Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
