Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
