Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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