I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
