I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
