let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
