yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
