I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We talked him into tasing himself.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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