Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
