Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
My penis needs a shock collar
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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