i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
