YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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