I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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