Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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