Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Randomize
