dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
