My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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