Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
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when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
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I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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