So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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