Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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