Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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