It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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