A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
