You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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