Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
