I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
