Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
