Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
