I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Watching her eat just hurts me
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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