Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Randomize
