Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
two words: eviction party
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
