I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
