If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
