Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
