You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
