I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
