honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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