so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
