I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
