Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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