i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
