I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I lost the right to judge tonight
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
