my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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