we're blogging at a bar
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
