Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
