He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I need a beard to bite.
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