I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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