I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
