i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
