I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
