They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
