If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
