Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
