You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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